How to Re-define Success for Yourself

What does our society's definition of success fulfill in our lives? A sense of belonging, value, validation, visibility, appreciation and comforts that we are not getting in our lives in a more authentic, life-affirming, relational, and reciprocal way.

If we slowed down enough to be present, if we were able to work through the general discomfort of just being, we'd find that not only do we not need some of these things but perhaps we already have them in a simpler but more rewarding sense. Or, maybe, we don't have them but it's becoming obvious that the way in which we are going about cultivating them is all wrong.

And honestly, it's a vicious cycle fed by the systems of capitalism and patriarchy. The more they feed this need for success, the more disconnected we are from ourselves (and really everyone and everything), and the more empty we feel. And when we feel empty we feel like we need to fill that emptiness with material items and superficial recognition. But there are many places within the cycle where we can break it and the whole thing will start to fall apart. Here are some practices to start to dismantle the unhealthy societal narratives around success within your own life:

Break Free of External Fulfillment

• Notice the feeling after a purchase, achievement, or moment of recognition. How long does the satisfaction actually last?

• Ask yourself what need you hoped it would fulfill: belonging, validation, appreciation, security, visibility, comfort.

• Look for ways to meet that need through relationship, community, creativity, rest, or service instead.

• Practice enoughness and gratitude. Notice what is already here.

Break Free of Disconnection

• Learn the signs that you are disconnected from yourself—rushing, numbing, scrolling, consuming, achieving. Meditate on or journal about how this feels in your body.

• Spend time each day simply being without distraction or productivity.

• Cultivate practices of presence: walking, sitting in nature, tea, meditation, journaling, prayer.

• Notice what genuinely nourishes you. Choose activities that are slow, relational, reciprocal, and life-giving.

• Make space for emptiness rather than immediately trying to fill it. Emptiness isn't bad once we learn to feel okay within it. And it allows for space and freedom.

• Connect to something bigger than yourself and tend to it daily, even if just in the smallest of rituals. This can be a religious practice, a cause that you feel passionate about, or nature.

• Invest in relationships that exist beyond networking, status, or mutual benefit.

• Show up for people without needing something in return.

• Create opportunities to gather that are rooted in reciprocity rather than consumption.

• Spend less money seeking belonging and more time practicing it.

• Become the kind of community you wish existed.

Break Free of Society's Definition of Success

• Question the stories you inherited about what makes a life valuable.

• Ask yourself: If nobody could see it, would I still want it?

• Define success according to your own values rather than external expectations.

• Prioritize what creates aliveness, meaning, connection, and well-being.

• Let your life become a reflection of your values, not your résumé.

• Look at that thing in your life that feels important for success right now. Ask yourself, if you were to achieve the utmost success in this area what would that look and feel like 5 years from now. Maybe it doesn't even light you up enough to factor into your 5 year plan.

• Realize that success does not have to fit into a certain timeframe. Slow down...don't rush. As the Tao Te Ching says, "Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished." Honor your cycles of creativity/productivity and rest, cycles of expansion and contraction.

Do this and the whole capitalistic paradigm lessens it's grasp on you. You start to cultivate a real success in your life, born from freedom, community (that's not performative or transactional), and holistic health. You can start measuring success by the quality of your relationships. By your sense of freedom and inner peace. By your ability to show up for your community. By your connection to yourself and the living world. By whether your life feels worth living vs whether it looks impressive.

And I guarantee that as the veil begins to pull back you may start to notice even more veils being pulled back in a kind of domino effect and all of a sudden your whole worldview is forever changed. I plan to write my next post about what we often see shift and how that supports us to live a life untethered to these more oppressive systems. Stay tuned.

If you liked this post, you may also enjoy Success is a Dirty Word.